Quotes from Ambrose Bierce

Perseverance n.: A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves a glorious success.

PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction - prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere virtues and blameless lives.

WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.

YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.

To those who view the voyage of life from the port of departure the bark that has accomplished any considerable distance appears already in close approach to the farther shore.

Along the road of life are many pleasure resorts, but think not that by tarrying in them you will take more days to the journey. The day of your arrival is already recorded.

Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only.

PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the erroneous belief that one thing is better than another.

CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.

Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.

Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.

Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

Confidante: One entrusted by A with the secrets of B confided to herself by C.

PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place.

IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between sin and punishment.

OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with general inefficiency, as an "old man". Discredited by lapse of time and offensive to the popular taste, as an "old" book.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.