Quotes from Frank Carson

What's the difference between my wife and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

A man up in front of a judge says "I don't recognise this court." "Why not?" "It's been redecorated since the last time I was here."

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

My wife said to me: 'If you won the lottery, would you still love me?' I said: 'Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you.'

Most of my jokes are racist - usually about the Irish.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

It's never occurred to me to worry about my health, or that I'll get old, or that people will stop laughing at me.

The thirties were troublesome in Belfast, and then of course there was no work for people, and it was terribly religiously divided.

America has only 100 Senators for 309 million people, but Stormont has 108 members for 1.7 million.

My father fought in World War I and single-handedly destroyed the Germans' line of communication. He ate their pigeon.

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."

A man was found dead covered in sprinkles, strawberry sauce and a flake. Reports said he may have topped himself.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn't work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

I'm staying in a lovely hotel, dressing robe behind the door, lovely fluffy sheets - took me a half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said 'I want to report a nuisance caller', he said 'Not you again'.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?