Quotes from Andy Rooney

I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love. Beep.' 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic… speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

We all ought to understand we're on our own. Believing in Santa Claus doesn't do kids any harm for a few years but it isn't smart for them to continue waiting all their lives for him to come down the chimney with something wonderful. Santa Claus and God are cousins.

Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.

I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.

Writers don't often say anything that readers don't already know, unless its a news story. A writer's greatest pleasure is revealing to people things they knew but did not know they knew. Or did not realize everyone else knew, too. This produces a warm sense of fellow feeling and is the best a writer can do.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.

Nothing in fine print is ever good news.

People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.

The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There's a kind of glory to them when they're all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy.

If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.

It's just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

I've learned... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

We're all proud of making little mistakes. It gives us the feeling we don't make any big ones.

Most of us end up with no more than five or six people who remember us. Teachers have thousands of people who remember them for the rest of their lives.