Quotes from Mark Twain

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life. The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.

What is human life? The first third a good time; the rest remembering about it.

What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself.

Life does not consist mainly, or even largely, of facts and happenings. It consists mainly of the storm of thought that is forever flowing through one's head.

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.

Part of the secret of a success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.

To succeed in life, you need two things: ignorance and confidence.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.

The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up.

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

New Orleans food is as delicious as the less criminal forms of sin.

We don't care to eat toadstools that think they are truffles.

The political and commercial morals of the United States are not merely food for laughter, they are an entire banquet.

Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.

Nothing helps scenery like bacon and eggs.

Intellectual food is like any other; it is pleasanter and more beneficial to take it with a spoon than a shovel.

I would not rob you of your food or your clothes or your umbrella, but if I caught your German out I would take it. But I don't study any more,- I have given it up.

Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

I could forgive the boy, now, if he'd committed a million sins!

Forget and forgive. This is not difficult when properly understood.

The fragrance of the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

It is by the goodness of God that in our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice either of them.