Quotes from Mark Twain

We have the best government that money can buy.

Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough.

Truth is the most valuable thing we have, so I try to conserve it.

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

All right, then, I'll go to hell.

Such is the human race, often it seems a pity that Noah... didn't miss the boat.

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man's.

They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy; foreigners always spell better than they pronounce.

Why shouldn't truth be stranger than fiction? Fiction, after all, has to make sense.

What a hero Tom was become now! He did not go skipping and prancing, but moved with a dignified swagger as became a pirate who felt that the public eye was on him.

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.

"Classic." A book which people praise and don't read.

All the modern inconveniences.

All say, "How hard it is that we have to die" - a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.

You can't pray a lie.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.

The Christian's Bible is a drug store. Its contents remain the same, but the medical practice changes.

I am pushing sixty. That is enough exercise for me.

Humor is mankind's greatest blessing.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

Of the demonstrably wise there are but two: those who commit suicide, and those who keep their reasoning faculties atrophied by drink.

It is human to exaggerate the merits of the dead.

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

I studied a minute, sort of holding my breath, and then says to myself: "All right, then, I'll go to hell."