Quotes from Mark Twain

The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd druther not.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. Fanatics will never learn that, though it be written in letters of gold across the sky. It is the prohibition that makes anything precious

If a cat sits on a hot stove, that cat won't sit on a hot stove again. That cat won't sit on a cold stove either. That cat just don't like stoves.

There is no such thing as an ordinary life.

There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.

The history of our race, and each individual's experience, are sown thick with evidence that a truth is not hard to kill and that a lie told well is immortal.

Ours is a terrible religion. The fleets of the world could swim in spacious comfort in the innocent blood it has spilt.

The joy of killing! the joy of seeing killing done - these are traits of the human race at large.

We can't all be heros because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

Nothing exists. All is a dream. God—man—the world—the sun, the moon, the wilderness of stars—a dream, all a dream; they have no existence. Nothing exists save empty space—and you…. And you are not you—you have no body, no blood, no bones, you are but a thought.

Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy, but sorrow. There is no humor in Heaven.

Names are not always what they seem.

I was standing in our dining-room thinking of nothing in particular, when a cablegram was put into my hand. It said, 'Susy was peacefully released today.' It is one of the mysteries of our nature that a man, all unprepared, can receive a thunder-stroke like that and live.

Never knew before what eternity was made for. It is to give some of us a chance to learn German.

It is better to keep your mouth closed and let people think you are a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

First get the facts, you can distort them later

When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened or not.

The fact is, the king was a good deal more than a king, he was a man; and when a man is a man, you can't knock it out of him.

I am only human, although I regret it.

Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

It is a time when one's spirit is subdued and sad, one knows not why; when the past seems a storm-swept desolation, life a vanity and a burden, and the future but a way to death. It is a time when one is filled with vague longings; when one dreams of flight to peaceful islands in the remote solitudes of the sea, or folds his hands and says, What is the use of struggling, and toiling and worrying any more? let us give it all up.

But that is the way we are made: we don't reason, where we feel; we just feel.

You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth

A discriminating irreverence is the creator and protector of human liberty.