Quotes from Adele Faber

Punishment is a very ineffective method of discipline . . . for punishment, strangely enough, often has the effect of teaching the child to behave in exactly the opposite way from the way we want him to behave! Many parents use punishment simply because no one has ever taught them better ways of disciplining their children.

So there you have it—four possible ways to give first aid to a child in distress: by listening with full attention, by acknowledging his feelings with a word, by giving a name to his feelings, and by granting him his wishes in fantasy.

The danger here is that this kind of praise puts relationships on thin ice. Might the big brother feel threatened when his little brother learns to tie his shoes? Will his accomplishment be diminished? And how will big sister feel when the "baby" starts learning to read? And will the brothers be likely to work together and help each other out with cleanups when one's achievement depends on the other's failure?

One of the built-in frustrations of parenthood is the daily struggle to get our children to behave in ways that are acceptable to us and to society. This can be maddening, uphill work. Part of the problem lies in the conflict of needs.

The more you try to push a child's unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them. The more comfortably you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to let go of them. I guess you could say that if you want to have a happy family you'd better be prepared to permit the expression of a lot of unhappiness.

A Quick Reminder . . . To Engage a Child's Cooperation 1. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE, OR DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM. "There's a wet towel on the bed." 2. GIVE INFORMATION. "The towel is getting my blanket wet." 3. SAY IT WITH A WORD. "The towel!" 4. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL. "I don't like sleeping in a wet bed!" 5. WRITE A NOTE. (above towel rack) Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks! Your Towel

TO HELP WITH FEELINGS 1. Listen with full attention. 2. Acknowledge their feelings with a word—"Oh" . . . "Mmm" . . . "I see." 3. Give their feelings a name. 4. Give them their wishes in fantasy.

It's much easier to tell your troubles to a parent who is really listening. Sometimes a sympathetic silence is all a child needs.

Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings Children Need to Have Their Feelings Accepted and Respected. 1. YOU CAN LISTEN QUIETLY AND ATTENTIVELY. 2. YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS WITH A WORD.     ââ'¬Å"Oh . . . Mmm . . . I see . . ." 3. YOU CAN GIVE THE FEELING A NAME.     ââ'¬Å"That sounds frustrating!" 4. YOU CAN GIVE THE CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY.     ââ'¬Å"I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!

became aware of how far gone I was when I found myself trying to Scotch-tape a broken pretzel together to stop my four-year-old from crying.

2. If attitude is so important, why bother about words? A parent's look of disgust or tone of contempt can hurt deeply. But if, in addition, a child is subjected to words like "stupid" . . . "careless" . . . "irresponsible" . . . "you'll never learn," he's doubly wounded. Somehow words have a way of lingering long and poisonously. The worst part is that children sometimes pull out

I want my kids to know that they're entitled to be miserable without their mother falling apart.

The more you try to push a child's unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them.

But let someone really listen, let someone acknowledge my inner pain and give me a chance to talk more about what's troubling me, and I begin to feel less upset, less confused, more able to cope with my feelings and my problem.

But it's how we handle the 'ordinary, everyday small stuff' that lays the groundwork for handling the 'big stuff.

We are convinced that when our classrooms really work, they work because relationships are working. And relationships work when communication is humane and caring.

It's hard for a child to think clearly or constructively when someone is questioning, blaming, or advising her.

4. YOU CAN GIVE THE CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY. "I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!

When we urge a child to push a bad feeling away— however kindly—the child seems to get only more upset.

Comforters for our todays / Guardians of memories / Keeping our youth and yesterdays alive / Comrades with one history.

I was a wonderful parent before I had children.

Let us be different in our homes. Let us realize that, along with food, shelter, and clothing, we have another obligation to our children, and that is to affirm their "rightness." The whole world will tell them what's wrong with them—loud and often. Our job is to let our children know what's right about them.

The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves.

Children don't need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged.