Quotes from H. Allen Smith

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists.

The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for lists of "Ten Best".

On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are created jerks.

Personally, I never admired communists because they operate on the theory that human beings are nice people.

Cats are people, and the sooner the world accepts that fact, the better off the world will be.

We believe in healthy, hearty laughter -- at the expense of the whole human race, if needs be. Needs be.

From tender infancy Smith has been an early riser. He sleeps so little that Morpheus barely knows him by sight. When he dreams he only has time for a synopsis. He was the first man to discover that you can cut a sleeping pill in half and enjoy a nap.

When I was five years old I fell head downward into an empty cistern and was not found until six hours later, at which time I was quietly eating dirt. The year after that I fell out of a neighbor's barn loft. These experiences constitute an adequate preparation for a career in journalism — the equivalent of four years in college

Never buy anything with a handle on it. It means work.