Quotes from Ken Dodd

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

(On his marathon live shows) You think you can get away, but you can't. I'll follow you home and I'll shout jokes through your letterbox.

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Sunday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.

How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows – it's never been done before.

I always feel at home in theatres like this ... because we're about the same age

Laughter is the greatest music in the world and audiences come to my shows to escape the cares of life. They don't want to be embarrassed or insulted. They want to laugh and so do I - which is probably why it works.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night, saying: 'Well, that taught me a lesson.

So it turns out that if you bang two halves of a horse together, it doesn't make the sound of a coconut.

The man who invented cats' eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener.

The trouble with Freud is that he never played the Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson'.