Quotes from Stephen Merchant

I'm always jealous of Johnny Depp's sense of style, but if I tried to get away with a floppy hat and waistcoat, I'd look like a homeless person.

I'm looking for a woman with the body of Kelly Brook and the mind of Stephen Fry.

I very rarely laugh. I remember I used to have a joy at comedy. I remember going to see Sean Lock for the first time live, just in some comedy club when I was 18, and again, just guttural, pure laughter. I didn't know what he was doing; I couldn't see the tricks.

I just always remember there being an ability to amuse schoolmates. Not in a kind of 'dance-around-at-the-front-of-the-room-with-his-trousers-off' way, but probably with a sardonic quip. I remember getting a school report that said something like, 'Steve's good, but he tries to see the funny side in everything.'

I suffered when I was in my late twenties and early thirties. I was awkward, I stuck out, I was nerdy.

It never really occurs to me that I'm doing cringe comedy. It's something that people tell me afterwards, and I say, 'Again? Really? I never set out with that intention.'

You hear some people saying, 'I'm alive on stage; it's where I feel most complete...' I don't understand that at all; I find that weird and depressing. I don't dislike the audience; it's just when I'm up there, they're in the darkness. There's just a sound of laughing or not. They're not 'people,' they're this big organism.

I wish I could write 'Taxi Driver,' or 'Blue Velvet,' something brave, audacious, dramatic and dark. I don't know if I have the darkness in my own soul to be able to tap into it, unfortunately.

I was trying for years to woo people through humour, but it seems flash cars are much easier.

I used to be quite a big video game player at university and post-university in that weird moment in life before you have a proper job and you've got a lot of idle time.

I have experienced bad dating and ineptitude with women all across the globe, from Vietnam to Paris. When I was 21, women were an enigma; they were this code that had to be cracked. They were 'The Other.' I have often thought writing this stuff into stand-up and shows would be an exorcism, but it hasn't been; it makes no difference.

Generally, I'm terrified of shopping. I like the idea of being well-dressed, but I've always struggled to get anything that fits. I envy those that go into old vintage shops.