Quotes from Jimmy Fallon

Thank you... motion sensor hand towel machine. You never work, so I just end up looking like I'm waving hello to a wall robot.

Senate Democrats blocked President Obama's trade bill yesterday because they're worried it could hurt jobs. It's not an issue for Republicans, since they've all found work as presidential candidates.

It's something I worry about when I'm working out. I don't want to get too fit. Because I don't want the new DaVinci of this Millennium to say, "You. I have found my muse. I have to sculpt you."

My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can't dribble on grass.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Vladimir Putin celebrated his 63rd birthday today. He had a nice party, but it got awkward when two of his friends got him the same country.

Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White's seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.

Hillary Clinton used a private email account to conduct official state business. Experts say that if this violates any federal rules, then she . . . will still be president.

I sing in the car if I'm in LA, because you're like soundproofed.

I'd do entire music videos in my bedroom, where I used to stand in front of my television memorizing the moves to Michael Jackson's 'Beat It.'

Don't Keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason

Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I'd have an excuse.

Thank you leaf blowers, for making me look like the world's lamest Ghostbuster. I ain't afraid of no leaves.

We picked the Red Sox because they lose. If you root for something that loses for 86 years, you're a pretty good fan. You don't have to win everything to be a fan of something.

Thank you adult mittens, for allowing me to give people the finger without them knowing it.

Thank you 'adults who wear back packs' for letting me know that I don't have to take you seriously

Live your life by doing activities that are beneficial

Thank you slow-walking family in front of me on the sidewalk. No, please, take your time. And definitely spread out, too, so you create a barricade of idiots. I am so thankful that you forced me to walk into the street and risk getting hit by a car in order to pass you so I could resume walking at a normal human pace.

Ben: You're gonna get arrested. Lindsey Meeks: You can't sell your tickets! Ben: That's why you ran across the whole field?... Wait, you've got to tell me - was it spongy?

Troy: Why do we inflict this on ourselves? Ben: Why? I'll tell you why, 'cause the Red Sox never let you down. Troy: Huh? Ben: That's right. I mean - why? Because they haven't won a World Series in a century or so? So what? They're here. Every April, they're here. At 1:05 or at 7:05, there is a game. And if it gets rained out, guess what? They make it up to you. Does anyone else in your life do that? The Red Sox don't get divorced. This is a real family. This is the family that's here for you.

Life is like a clam, when it opens, you gotta grab the gooey stuff.

Seek, and you shall be disappointed. Knock, and the door shall be slammed in your face.

I often try to reassure myself by saying, "Well, at least it can't get any worse." But the truth is, it always can. And that's what really terrifies me.

Did you ever sit back and evaluate your life and think, "Boy, things are going just as I always wanted them to?" I didn't think so.