Quotes from Rachel Harrison

I prodded at my emotions with a long stick as if they were something dead in the woods. I interrogated myself. Are you sad? Are you angry? Are you disappointed? Heartbroken?

I couldn't stand the embarrassment of arguing. I couldn't bring myself to beg for him to want me, to love me the way that I loved him. And I couldn't risk losing him altogether. I had to keep him in my life, even if it was just as a friend. He was my world. I needed him. I still do.

I gave you so much of myself," I say, "and you wasted me.

It's strange to be near him again. I imagine it's like returning to your childhood home as an adult. The comfort and nostalgia eclipsed by the distortion of the dimensions. You remember it being bigger than it is. Because you're bigger than you were.

Heard from whom? I always hated this small-town-grapevine nonsense. That's something I love about the city. The anonymity. No one knows who you are, and no one gives a shit about your business. It's a beautiful thing.

I turn away from my reflection and step into the shower. I turn the water all the way hot, then all the way cold. I wait for my fists to unclench, for my spine to unwind. I wait to calm down. I don't think it's going to happen for me. It's one of those days. My mood has been ordained. I'm a wretch.

The rage wraps itself around me like vines, like moss swallowing a rock. It's a natural state. It's good. It's symbiotic.

You're so beautiful," he says as he kisses along my clavicle, one hand loose around my neck and the other moving up my thigh. "You're so beautiful." But I need him to love me ugly.

Because I like to meet other strange creatures. Good to know I'm not alone.

The emotion was, in retrospect, a warning.

Maybe it wasn't about the number; maybe it was about the symbol. Infinity. Maybe because there were infinite questions to ask, maybe because wonder was limitless. There were so many variables so many unknowns.