Quotes from Craig Brown

I have twice met Jeffrey Archer, and on both occasions was struck by the firmness of his handshake - and the way he looked me straight in the eye, too.

It is only if you happen to be a newscaster that the tongue-twister spells peril.

Children are perfectly happy to sit next to spiders; it is only grown-ups who are frightened away.

A decent beard has long been the number one must-have fashion item for any fugitive from justice.

Comedy is the slave of time. What seemed funny then is unlikely to seem funny now, just as what strikes us as funny now would not have seemed funny then.

Whenever television cameras are interviewing people in their homes, I tend to look over their shoulders and have a good snoop at their living rooms. I am always astonished at how clean they all look, with nothing out of place or unnecessary or dropped down any old how.

Andrew Lloyd Webber is one of those odd moth-like creatures who seem to combine extreme discomfort with the spotlight with an unstoppable compulsion to leap into it.

Everyone must know by now that the aim of Scrabble is to gain the moral high ground, the loser being the first player to slam the board shut and upset all the letters over the floor.

Men know something that women don't know. Never ask directions of a stranger.

What would we do without plaques to tell us who lived where and when? They introduce the past into the present, and are the quickest and most interesting way of reminding us that our streets exist above and beyond the here-and-now.

Like Christians, Soccerians argue that you should not judge the essence of their faith by the loopy activities of its followers. But the Beautiful Game is in fact quite the opposite. It is badly designed and riddled with flaws.

The British love of queuing and discomfort and being bossed around seems to have found a new outlet in the pop festival.

I think politics is too important to be left to politicians.

Journalism could be described as turning one's enemies into money.

There's nothing worse than a celebrity trying to be funny. Unless it's a politician trying to be serious.

It's not enough to be right. You also have to be interesting.

There are few things more frustrating than being forced to sit through a bad film with someone who thinks it's a masterpiece.

Improbability is no barrier to gossip.

I don't think there's any more dispiriting sight than a great work of art reduced to a slogan on a mug.

I've always been fascinated by famous people, but I'm more interested in the flaws and quirks that make them human than in their public image.

There's nothing quite so depressing as a man in a suit who's lost his sense of humor.

Biography is at the mercy of information, and information about the Royal Family is seldom there when you want it. Or rather, there is a wealth of information, but most of it is window-dressing: the shop itself is shut, visible only through the front window, its private offices firmly under lock and key.

The trouble with success is that it's never enough. You always want more.

I'm always looking for ways to make people laugh, but I also want to make them think. That's the real challenge of satire.