Quotes from Herb Caen

San Franciscans have a bond of self-satisfaction bordering on smugness.

God! I loove this city!

Philosophically, I don't like doing commercials.

A city is where you can sign a petition, boo the chief justice, fish off a pier, gaze at a hippopotamus, buy a flower at the corner, or get a good hamburger or a bad girl at 4 A.M. A city is where sirens make white streaks of sound in the sky and foghorns speak in dark grays. San Francisco is such a city.

Satire of satire tends to be self-canceling, and deliberate shock tactics soon lose their ability to shock, especially when they're too deliberate.

I tend to live in the past because most of my life is there.

Just two days in Manhattan and you find yourself looking for a place to wash your handkerchief after you wipe your forehead and it comes away black. Is there a dirtier or more fascinating city anywhere in the land? The answer to both parts of the question has to be positively negative.

The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around.

A man begins cutting his wisdom teeth the first time he bites off more than he can chew.

The clock doesn't matter in baseball. Time stands still or moves backwards. Theoretically, one game could go on forever. Some seem to.

Americans are pragmatic, relatively uncomplicated, hearty and given to broad humor.

I hope I go to Heaven, and when I do, I'm going to do what every San Franciscan does when he gets there. He looks around and says, 'It ain't bad, but it ain't San Francisco.'

I have a memory like an elephant. I remember every elephant I've ever met.

The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever.

A good column is one that sells paper. It doesn't matter how beautifully it is written and how much you admire the author... if it doesn't sell any papers, it's not a good column. It's a terrible yardstick to use, but in the newspaper business, that's the whole thing.

Old San Francisco - the one so many nostalgics yearn for - had buildings that related well to each other.

A city is a crazy concrete jungle whose people at the end of each day somehow make a small step ahead against terrible odds.

A city is a state - of mind, of taste, of opportunity. A city is a marketplace - where ideas are traded, opinions clash and eternal conflict may produce eternal truths.

The only way to fight a thing like 50 is to stay au courant if it kills you.

Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.

All American cars are basically Chevrolets.

One day if I do go to heaven...I'll look around and say, 'It ain't bad, but it ain't San Francisco.

The only thing wrong with immortality is that it tends to go on forever.

Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live there?