Quotes from Will Durst

What does a snail say when he rides on the back of a turtle? "Whee!"

Kids today have the attention span of high-speed lint.

I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.

There is humor in the specter of the worst disaster in our nation's history. All I have to do is sweep away the debris of shock to find it.

Comedy is defiance. It's a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it's the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale.

Criminal lawyer. Or is that redundant?

Men are superior to women, for one thing they can urinate from a speeding car.

Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed bump.

The problem is, we have yet to convince the Taliban they are fellow passengers on spaceship Earth.

There is humor in the specter of the worst disaster in our nation's history. All I have to do is sweep away the debris of shock to find it.

I'm glad Reagan is president. Of course, I'm a professional comedian.

How did sex come to be thought of as dirty in the first place? God must have been a Republican.

In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant.

Voters want a fraud they can believe in.

Well, we won the war. You know what that means. In twenty years, we'll all be driving Iraqi cars

Men are superior to women. For one thing, men can urinate from a speeding car.

It's okay to laugh in the bedroom so long as you don't point.

I hate the outdoors. To me the outdoors is where the car is.

It is my experience that the best way to deal with American politics is 50 milligrams of Zoloft 3 times a day.

Comedy is defiance. It's a snort of contempt in the face of fear and anxiety. And it's the laughter that allows hope to creep back on the inhale.