Quotes from Alan Downs

Always seek to allow others the space to be imperfect.

Contentment is created when your behaviour is consistent with your values. When you act in ways that are consistent with the core of who you are, even when your actions aren't approved by others, you increase your overall contentment. Happiness, success, money, relationships, and even the approval of others will come and go in your life, but what is ultimately satisfying is feeling content.

Our own internal conflicts prevent us from gaining the emotional clarity needed to maintain a safe and satisfying bond. The situation compounds when two men, both overwhelmed with shame, come together in an intense and explosive expression of passion.

that the majority of success in life is about showing up.

The one and only skill that resolves the crisis of meaning is that of acceptance.

After a while, we've all sort of given up on finding Mr. Right. It's more about are you Mr. In-My-Bed-Right-Now and, whatever you do, please don't stay for breakfast.

other and often occur simultaneously.

Passion is a meta-emotion — an emotion that is felt only after observing other emotions over time.

What's happiness really all about? How will I find lasting love and contentment? Can I find it in a relationship with a man? Is there such a thing as a healthy relationship between two men? How can I find real purpose and passion in my life?

Being clear and straightforward about who we are, what we want from others, and our intentions is the cornerstone of integrity.

We made ourselves more acceptable to others in a variety of ways. Perhaps you learned that you could win approval by becoming more sensitive than the other boys. Maybe you learned that you could win approval by displaying a creativity that the other boys refused to show, or you learned to win approval by excelling at everything you did.

The wound is the trauma caused by exposure to overwhelming shame at an age when you weren't equipped to cope with it. An emotional wound caused by toxic shame is a very serious and persistent disability that has the potential to literally destroy your life. It is much more than just a poor self-image. It is the internalized and deeply held belief that you are somehow unacceptable, unlovable, shameful, and in short, flawed.

the deeply held, sinister belief that perhaps HIV is physical evidence of our own unloveableness.

The roots of our trauma with men come from two distinct sources: being a man in a hypermasculine culture and being a gay man in a decidedly straight world. The two of these combined turn the tables dramatically against us and make having a healthy relationship extremely difficult. We must relearn everything we know about relationships in order to make them work successfully.

Two deeply emotionally wounded people cannot form a healthy relationship. They may struggle, compromise, and even stay together, but until they each heal their own wounds, the relationship will always be a struggle.