Quotes from Jack Benny

A cannibal is a guy who goes in the restaurant and orders the waiter.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.

MARILYN MONROE: What about the difference in our ages? JACK: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine. MARILYN MONROE: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine? JACK: Gee, I never thought of that.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air, and a beautiful partner, and you can keep my golf clubs and the fresh air.

Modesty is my best quality.

MUGGER: Your money or your life. (long, awkward pause) Look bud. I said, your money or your life. JACK: I'm thinking it over!

WAITER: [serving Jack's drink] ... and one Shirley Temple. JACK: [sips drink] Wait a minute! You put Scotch in this Shirley Temple! WAITER: She's a big girl, now.

I practice three hours daily on my violin so I won't get worse.

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf, and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.

Gags die, humor doesn't.

Growing old is a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Gags die, humor doesn't

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I don't want to tell you how much insurance I carry with the Prudential, but all I can say is: when I go, they go too.

I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators. I left early.