Quotes from Red Buttons

I'll tell you the truth; I wanted to leave me for Sid Caesar.

Jacques Cousteau, the last man to see Jimmy Hoffa. Never got a dinner!

John Travolta, who said, My Saturday night fever was nothing compared to my Sunday morning rash. Never got a dinner!

Donald Trump's mother, who said, Donnie! Stop playing Monopoly and get in that barber's chair! Never got a dinner!

Jack the Ripper's mother, who said to Jack, How come I never see you with the same girl twice? Never got a dinner!

Goliath's mother, who said to Goliath, Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned! Never got a dinner!

Venus de Milo's mother, who once said to Venus, You never call me. Can't you pick up a phone? Never got a dinner!

Steven Spielberg's mother, who said to E.T., I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed! Never got a dinner!

Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, For God sakes, don't scratch it! Never got a dinner!

Some of the most famous people in history never got a dinner!

Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn. Never got a dinner!

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

He's a real loser. He moved into a new neighborhood and got run over by the Welcome Wagon.

Then, there was Cary Grant. He spent three hours a week in hospitals teaching nervous people how to eat jello.

Joe Torre, who switched to first base because he didn't want to go through life as Chicken Catcher Torre. Never got a dinner!

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille. Never got a dinner!

Making you a pioneer only means one thing. You were around at the time.

Orville Wright said to his brother, "Wilbur, you were only in the air for 12 seconds. How could my luggage be in Cleveland?"

I am always joking and always clowning, giving and helping.

Elizabeth Taylor has a big heart. She recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way.

Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, It's only a nickname. Never got a dinner!

Alexander Graham Bell's wife, who said to Alex on their wedding night, Your three minutes are up. Never got a dinner!

The Invisible Man, who said to his wife, I don't care if it looks silly, don't stop! Never got a dinner!