Quotes from Auberon Waugh

Looking back at all the people I have insulted, I am mildly surprised that I am still allowed to exist.

Anyone in England who puts himself forward to be elected to a position of political power is almost bound to be socially or emotionally insecure, or criminally motivated, or mad.

History, having destroyed the religion as the opium of the people, now requires that they be given a taste of the real stuff.

Better to go than sit around being a terrible old bore.

Anyone wishing to communicate with Americans should do so by e-mail, which has been specially invented for the purpose, involving neither physical proximity nor speech.

Two things make smoking a virtuous habit. In the first place, the smoker, by paying billions of pounds in tobacco duty, pretty well pays for the entire hospital service. In the second place, by dying on average five years younger that the non-smoker, the smoker reduces the burden of old age on society as a whole.

I don't want 'constructive criticism'. I want praise.

Anyone who goes to law puts himself in the hands of an unscrupulous ring of bandits and thugs who milk both parties as hard as they can until one of them has to pay. If one allows for the stupidity and prejudice of judges, conceit and idleness of barristers, and diffuseness of English law, neither side can have a more certain chance of winning a legal action than on a tossed coin, which is a much cheaper way of settling things.

We had to fill in forms which asked us whether we had ever been convicted of any crime. I hesitated about this. The NCO in charge, seeing me hesitate, explained kindly:'You write "No" in that line'.

Christmas has become a public affirmation of the power and benignity of the state, to which we all make obeisance in the sybolism of the breath test ceremony.

Rather to my surprise, I found myself genuinely indignant at the suggestion that murder was to be reintroduced as a means of political advancement for the first time since the Tudors, and even more indignant that the legal and political establishments in all their forms - which included, at that stage, the police - were going to cover up the whole episode. In the event, it turned out that my anxieties were unfounded, as Thorpe was totally innocent of all charges brought against him.

People enter politics or the Civil Service out of a desire to exert power and influence events; this, I maintain, is an illness. It's only when one realises that great administrators and leaders of men have all been at any rate slightly mad that one has a true understanding of history.

But if one can't believe the Daily Telegraph one might as well become an Existentialist.

There are countless horrible things happening all over the world and horrible people prospering, but we must never allow them to disturb our equanimity or deflect us from our sacred duty to sabotage and annoy them whenever possible.

The main objection to killing people as a punishment...is that killing people is wrong

judicial execution can never cancel or remove the atrocity it seeks to punish: it can only add a second atrocity to the original one.

Unless people are prepared to declare themselves your enemies you have to hunt around for them.

The price of privilege is eternal vigilance.

You should tell the truth as often as you can, but in such a way as people don't believe you or think that you're being funny.

My own attitude to the innumerable injustices of life has always been a philosophical one, especially when they have tended to operate in my favour.

Now that Mandela has been released from prison we can all admit what has been apparent, that he is not a Tembu tribesman, in fact he is not an African at all. He is quite obviously Chinese. Nothing wrong with that, of course, but it makes those who persist in seeing him as a great African statesman look rather foolish.

There are many Welsh who are taciturn, truthful, well formed, open minded, handsome and peaceful, even if no particular individual immediately springs to mind.

In their quest for power and self-importance, to compensate for whatever feelings of social inadequacy or sexual insecurity, they (Politicians)are prepared to perpetrate something which is hard to distinguish from mass murder if they think they can get away with it...

I don't suppose there has been a moment in the world's history where more people felt themselves to be artists, of when less art was produced.