Quotes from Richard Jeni

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

I wake up in the morning, it takes me a half hour to find my glasses, just so I can look for my teeth, to tell my wife to find my hair.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

Chicago was started by a bunch of New Yorkers who said "Gee I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty but it just isn't cold enough."

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough, let's go west.'