Quotes from Christopher Titus

Ladies, if you're at the mall and you think your man is looking at other girls just remember: If your man is at the mall with you... he... loves you.

At the millennium we partied like it was 1999. And then we had a 10 year bathtub tequila hangover, man. Just hugging the metaphorical toilet on a daily basis.

If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.

And me having kids, with my family history? My mom: mentally ill, shot and killed her last husband. My father: six ex-wives, four heart attacks. Both of my parents think alcohol is a food group.

My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."

They had a big court battle over who got to keep me. Mom won; she made me live with Dad.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

Whenever you're pissed off, just remember that it's better than being pissed on.

Revenge is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the hippies.

No problem is so big and difficult that it can't be blamed on somebody else.

Born free. Taxed to death.

Passion, manners, and 80 ounces of beer will win the heart of any woman. And if it doesn't, you'll be too hammered to remember.

God bless America. But God, please help Canada.

The government favors the most diplomatic language. That's why any letter to them should always start with, "Dear turkeys and foul maggots..."

Divorce is just about change, you know. It's God saying, You need a change. And I'm going to make it so your bank account only has change.

Japan is the perfect example of make plans, and watch God laugh.

Obama says he's bringing 10,000 troops home. The Republicans are calling it a failed jobs program.

And people get so weird about mental illness, you follow the rules! You don't up a heart patient on a roller coaster, you don't put a mental patient on a hunting trip with you!

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer If I should die before I wake? I had sheets that said that!

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

I do not need help destroying my relationship. I was raised by my father. I've completed a thirty-year seminar on the power of destroying relationships.

Jealousy - the Auschwitz of emotions.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.