Quotes from Greg Giraldo

"You're an old man who dresses like a Hooter's waitress."

All the evidence we need that God is angry with us is Justin Timberlake's career.

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

If you spend five minutes with me or watch me try to balance my checkbook, you can only imagine the disaster I would make of anyone's legal issues.

Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

Some people are just really goofy kind of guitar acts, and they go out and do these colleges and start making a fortune pretty early on. And other people - I know guys who are great comics, who've done the Letterman show many times, who still barely pay their bills.

The things that make me laugh are considered smart or whatever, I guess. But stuff that's self-consciously intelligent or self-consciously hip or cool, that doesn't do it for me either. You just try to be funny.

There are no black people in Iraq, so how will they know who to shoot at?

The reality is I'm not a 'get knocked down and come back harder' kind of guy.

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.

It's hard to distinguish when I was actually struggling from when I only felt like I was struggling - which was pretty much always.

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

Valentine's day has gotten blown way out of proportion. Valentine's Day just used to be for your girlfriend or your wife but now everyone's like 'Oh, happy valentine's day!' I even got a Valentine's Day card from my grandmother. How ridiculous is that? We stopped having sex years ago!

The hardest part, for real, is probably when you just don't feel like going on stage and being funny.