Quotes from Mallory Ortberg

I hate to get gender essentialist, but I'm starting to think that a lot of married men have some sort of heterosexually induced dentistry aversion.

(Remember you always have the option of taking to the sea.)

Reconciliation is not possible when one party asks the other to obliterate all signs of their relationship.

There has to be some kind of personal hygiene bar that a person needs to clear in order for a relationship to be successful.

Depression cannot be overcome by listing a series of good things in one's life, any more than a broken foot can be healed by thinking about all the other bones you have that aren't broken.

Not wanting to give everyone in your life one of your kidneys is not the same thing as hoping they die of kidney failure.

You, too, will someday die, perhaps under inconvenient circumstances, at a time when you do not particularly wish to, and for causes that you cannot yet predict.

I attended an evangelical Christian university on the outskirts of suburban Los Angeles and by the time of my graduation was neither evangelical nor Christian.

I do not think it is selfish to want to donate a kidney "only" to family members.

There are alternatives to pregnancy if you want another child.

Tenancy laws can be so complicated; I want to make sure OP is protected as much as possible.

Worrying seems like a fairly natural state of being for a parent, so feel free to worry as much as you want.

You have a right to be treated professionally at work, and it's your supervisor's job to make sure all their employees can perform their duties comfortably and safely.

Some struggling marriages can be salvaged with hard work and counseling; others should be dismantled and stripped for parts.

There's simply no way you can tell a woman you work with that you disapprove of her relationship with her adult child, no matter how much you think it would be better for him to move out.

You don't need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, but you don't have to share your history of addiction with acquaintances at work, either.

An adult woman should not be so possessive of her own birthday that she begrudges her friends the chance to get married on the same day.

You can care very much about someone without being capable of becoming their primary caregiver in the event of their parents' untimely death.

Don't badger people without children into admitting the secret desire for children you're sure they have to you! Don't badger anyone! Leave the badgering to the badgers.

If and when you do decide to share your experience with your husband, it should be because you feel ready to do so, not for any other reason.

I have a lot of faith in the power of joking to make something thoughtful.

So many people choose silence after the immediate wake of a death out of fear of saying something out of turn or "bringing up bad memories" that bereaved people often feel forgotten.

Anyone who thinks it's funny to name their network "Tom'sHugeEtc" is going to think it's funny that one of his neighbors is also named Tom and is embarrassed by it.

You can't prevent a possible future closeness between your upcoming child and one or more of their grandparents.