Quotes from Andy Borowitz

Ann Romney: 'The hardest part of being a stay at home mom was deciding which of our homes to stay at.'

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

Michele Bachmann says God made the earthquake and hurricane to punish us. Untrue - he made Michele Bachmann for that.

On July 4 we celebrate government of the people, by the people, and for the people, or as they are now called, corporations.

Maybe I'm a dreamer, but I wish mental health care was as easy to get as, say, a gun.

All Americans mourn the passing of the author of the Declaration of Independence, George Jefferson.

If its platform is any guide, the Republican party is staunchly pro-life until you are actually born.

There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your fucking life.

Think about it... The Republicans have gone from Abraham Lincoln to Sarah Palin to Donald Trump. No wonder they don't believe in evolution.

There is a fine line between social networking and wasting your f**king life.

Being dumb's just about the worst thing there is when it comes to holding high office. —HARRY S. TRUMAN The worst thing a man can do is go bald. —DONALD J. TRUMP

What happens when you combine ignorance with performing talent? A president who tells the country to inject bleach.

I want the president of the United States to be intellectually curious for a simple reason: I think the person running the country should be smarter than I am. We've just lived through the alternative, and it was only good for the liquor industry.

Given the alarming state of his knowledge, you might wonder what job he could get. Unfortunately, he's not hypothetical, and the job he got, in 2016, was president of the United States.

Who's the most ignorant person the United States is willing to elect?

Over the past fifty years, what some of our most prominent politicians didn't know could fill a book. This is that book.

Nine months earlier, when Olivia and I were exchanging wedding vows, we made absolutely no mention of shoving enemas up each other's asses. And yet here we are. This is what it means to love and be loved.

Quayle was George Bush 2.0, sharing not just the original model's privileged upbringing but also his hapless steel-cage match with the English language

now, every morning when I wake up, I do two things: I look out the window at the city, the beautiful city, the sun rising over it. And then I look at my beautiful wife sleeping next to me. And I realize at that moment that I've got today, and I have everything.

An elementary school student in South Carolina stumped him with a gotcha question even more challenging than Hiller's about the president of Chechnya: What was his favorite book as a child? "I can't remember any specific books," he said. Later, responding to a similar query in a written questionnaire, he summoned an answer: The Very Hungry Caterpillar. Though that book might have been his favorite, it was published a year after he graduated from Yale.

Scientists have already proved beyond a shadow of a doubt the tremendous powers of psychic energy.

Even on this topic, though, there was some disagreement, as Tea Partiers split over whether the president was a communist, a Nazi, or both.)

Since he also asked, famously, "Is our children learning?" one expected that his first official act as president would be to cancel the agreement between subjects and verbs.)

The task of watering the arid desert between Reagan's ears is a challenging one for his aides." And, continuing with the water imagery, a California legislator said, "You could walk through Ronald Reagan's deepest thoughts and not get your ankles wet.