Quotes from Felipe Esparza

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

I've got three women in my life: my mama, ex baby mama and my new baby mama.

Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I may not be the best dad but I taught my son how to get free samples at the mall.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.