Quotes from Jackie Mason

I didn't emphasize my Jewishness because I wanted to. I just happen to have been raised in a family where everybody happened to talk like this, so why would I talk like somebody else?

You know how many stunning women told me they can't stand a good-looking man? ... Women feel secure with an ugly guy because a man in bad shape isn't gonna cheat.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

There is no way I would ever want to be president for a second. It's much easier to make fun of them on the stage and get paid for it. With all the years of me lampooning the presidents in my act, I know I could never ever want that job.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

The Republican Party stinks because all of the Republicans have accomplished nothing, and they talk about all of these issues and do nothing about it for a whole lifetime.

I have a great identification with Judaism as a religion and as a culture, and all the values that created such a great history, and the Jewish contribution to the betterment of all humanity.

I can't pretend that I'm a great student of the art of comedy because anybody that becomes philosophical about humour doesn't know what he's talking about.

My comedy doesn't come from any calculations and studies.

I have always found myself trying to study and analyze the world around me - not just taking everything for granted and following whatever is popular.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?

Coffee has carcinogens, causes cancer. And it also has caffeine. So not only are you dying, you watch yourself go.

An average guy makes a date with a girl. It costs him $100, $200. I make a date with a girl, it costs me nothing. I come up to her house. She wants to go out. I let her go! What's my business? I have to follow her around?

I can't predict the future and I don't have respect for people who try to.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

I don't believe that anybody has come to a conclusion on why something is funny. It's funny because it's ridiculous and it's ridiculous for different reasons at different times.

By these things examine thyself. By whose rules am I acting; in whose name; in whose strength; in whose glory? What faith, humility, self-denial, and love of God and to man have there been in all my actions?

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Anybody who's in favor of gun control is a fucking moron.

I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant, even if they wanted to be one?

I've been watching politics for 35 or 40 years and you just never know. You can have one person win the Iowa caucus and then the whole picture changes ten minutes later. The same thing can happen again after New Hampshire. I have no idea what's going to happen with our country in the future.