Quotes from Stephanie Dowrick

Someone who has a similar confidence in their own inner reality, and who trusts that they go on existing whether or not anyone else is present, does not need to be constantly checking on their sense of self. They are, without much thinking about it, 'calm, restful, relaxed and feeling one with people and things when no excitement is around'.

A relationship doesn't work until you accept that it may break up tomorrow, and if it does you'll be all right.

The crucial question is not: am I with Someone, but rather, am I Someone?

Clearly the crucial issue in the success of an intimate sexual relationship or very close friendship is not one of sexuality or of gender. More important than either is the conscious willingness of two people or a whole family or community to think about each other with generosity, openness, tolerance and respect, conscious that this counts for something only when it is also translated into behaviours that are routinely respectful, thoughtful and kind.

Intimacy comes alive when you can consciously accept, cope with and even welcome the differences between your inner ideal and the real live person who is sharing your life and perhaps your bed. Someone who is gradually revealed to you with all the surprises, glories, disappointments, human faults and gifts that each of us has in varying measures. And you can accept that. And wish the person well.

Many people who find it hard to be alone blame or despise themselves (or know themselves so little they do not realise that they can't be alone but fill their lives with work, people, noise, booze or drugs).

The capacity to be comfortably alone flows from satisfying experiences of being with someone else. What's more, satisfying experiences of being with someone else fuel a continuing capacity to be alone, without feeling adrift or lonely.

The greater part of our lives is spent with ourselves, no matter where or with what other people we may live . . . our imagination is the only companion chained to us for the whole of existence.' Charlotte Wolff

your connections with others can only be as rewarding as the connection you have with the only 'someone' with whom you live every moment of your life: your own self. Being in good contact with your own self, welcoming time with your own self as you might welcome time with a friend: this makes being with others less essential (I can't bear to be alone) or perhaps less dangerous (I can't be with others. They are sure to hate me/find me out/ignore me/crush me).

Are things going the way we both want them? Are things going the way that suits us individually? What are the values we hold, separately and together? How is our relationship supporting those values? Is one of us developing at the expense of the other? Can we look at difficulties from the other's point of view? Would we both be willing to make behavioural changes if those are needed?

Understanding yourself better, you will see that what happens to you matters less than your own reactions. This is wonderful because you always have far more choice and control about your reactions than you do about "what happens.