Quotes from Bob Monkhouse

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

My wife said, 'Can my mother come down for the weekend?' So I said, 'Why?' And she said, 'Well, she's been up on the roof two weeks already.'

I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

What do gardeners do when they retire?

A miniature village in Bournemouth caught fire and the flames could be seen nearly three feet away.

I came home and found that my son was taking drugs - my very best ones too!

It got up to 94 degrees today – that's pretty good at my age.

I got my start in silent radio.

I'm rather relaxed about death. From quite an early age I've regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note!

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.

I'd never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.

I'd like to die like my old dad, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming like his passengers.

My father was ruined by hard drink - he sat on an icicle.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

Marriage is an investment which pays dividends if you pay interest.