Quotes from George Mikes

To be extravagant you need money. True. But you do not need your own money.

Israelis keep teaching you your own business. God knows everything but the Israelis know everything better.

On the Continent people have good food; in England people have good table manners.

When people say England, they sometimes mean Great Britain, sometimes the United Kingdom, sometimes the British Isles, - but never England.

To have created a Welfare State was a great achievement; but we must go on to create a Welfare Planet.

Bargaining is a repulsive habit; compromise is one of the highest human virtues - the difference between the two being that the first is practised on the Continent, the latter in Great Britain.

There are many non-intellectual countries; Australia is one of the few anti-intellectual ones.

Humility is one of the most repulsive virtues, nearly always false.

Rich people (in Australia) have swimming pools in their gardens but, at least, they do swim in them.

The Art of Conversation could not die in Australia; it never lived. Television did not kill it; there was nothing there to kill.

English humor resembles the Loch Ness Monster in that both are famous but there is a strong suspicion that neither exists.

I asked many friends if Australian anti-intellectualism was still a living force and they all told me it was. If you are above average intelligence, hide this embarrassing fact.

In England only uneducated people show off their knowledge; nobody quotes Latin or Greek authors in the course of conversation, unless he has never read them.

A criminal may improve and become a decent member of society. A foreigner cannot improve. Once a foreigner, always a foreigner. There is no way out for him.

Israel also deprived the world of its chance of shedding tears of genuine sympathy over her destruction. The world resents this; it likes to feel noble and sympathetic.

An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.

The world still consists of two clearly divided groups: the English and the foreigners. One group consists of less than 50 million people; the other of 3,950 million. The latter group does not really count.

In England only uneducated people show off their knowledge nobody quotes Latin or Greek authors in the course of conversation, unless he has never read them.

On the Continent people have good food in England people have good table manners.

Continental people have sex-lives the English have hot-water bottles.

An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.

You can keep a dog; but it is the cat who keeps people, because cats find humans useful domestic animals.

Q. Why don't the British panic? A. They do, but very quietly. It is impossible for the naked eye to tell their panic from their ecstasy.

Remember: If you go for a walk with a friend in England, don't say a single word for hours; if you go for a walk with your dog, talk to it all the time.