Quotes from Brian Regan

I was at the breakfast table this morning and I read in the newspaper that more and more adults are living at home with their parents. That surprised me, I was like Mom did you read this?

I like the honesty of standup comedy. People don't fake laugh. If they're truly laughing at you, you know they like you.

It's good to be here. I'm just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It's not working out too well.

I think comedy is a good way to deal with anything. I hear about people in the hospital who are ill, and they use humor to help them through it. I think it's a great remedy for many things.

Be adaptable, flexible and never stop learning. The rate of change will never stop and neither should you.

If Einstein was so smart how come people only call you 'Einstein' when you do something really stupid ?

Go my favorite sports team go! Score a goal. Unit. Basket. Go squadron! Defeat the opponents soundly in this...skirmish.

Mmmm! Lunch and no cleanup! Can life get better? I submit that it can NOT!

A formula for comedy is comedy equals tragedy plus time. A difficult or uncomfortable situation takes place, and then you laugh about it later down the road.

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

I before E except after C and when sounding like A as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

That's why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn't going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's.

It's good to be here. I'm just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It's not working out too well.

I have to lay off dairy though. That's what my doctor threw in. As I was leaving his office, Oh, and uh, leave off dairy. What kind of blanket sweep is that? And no more happiness! Away with you!

A serving size on ice cream is like a half a cup. Is that like a joke some guy put on there? Hey, come here: look what I put for the serving size. Did you see? I just did it as a joke but they're going out like that. You ever know anybody to eat a half a cup of ice cream? Hey, you wanna go grab something to eat? Ah, no. I had a half a cup of ice cream. Ya, a whole half a cup. I just kept eating and eating and eating. I must've had two spoonfuls.

MOOSEN!!!!!!! There many MOOSEN in the WOODSEN! MANY MUCH MOOSEN! The Meisin wanted and the MOOSEN and...

I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. "Hey, enjoy your meal." "You, too. But you don't have one, do ya? I'm a dufus. If you do eat enjoy it when you eat it if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity." That's all I'm trying to say.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I would have been a lot better off if I'd studied more when I was growing up, y'know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.

You want another one? Oh, I don't know: I've already had two whole, entire Fig Newtons. Maybe I could try to muscle one more down but I don't think I - Mmmm, I am stuffed to the wrappers! They're nuts. We got an ER here. We got a three Fig Newton eater. How many did he have? What is he nuts? Doesn't he read?

I' before 'e' except after 'c' and when sounding like 'a' as in 'neighbor' and 'weigh' and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May and YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

So when you do get on, the first class people are already sitting there; they're all sprawled out on their big thrones. Bring me the head of a pig! And a goblet of something cool and refreshing! Anyone have a fiddle? Amuse me.

so, what are you in for? MANSLAUGHTER!!! I SLAUGHTERED A MAN!! JUST LIKE A PIG!!! PUT HIM ON A SPIT AND PUT AN APPLE IN HIS MOUTH!!!!

THE BIG YELLOW ONE IS THE SUN!!!