Quotes from Red Skelton

If I can make people smile, then I have served my purpose for God.

I only come to life when there are people watching.

I won't mind dying if I can tell St. Peter a joke he hasn't heard.

I personally believe we were put here to build and not to destroy.

I left home because I was hungry.

His death was the first time that Ed Wynn ever made anyone sad.

I've put on a lot of weight... I only weighed six and a half pounds when I was born.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

I'm nuts and I know it. But so long as I make 'em laugh, they ain't going to lock me up.

Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime.

There are three signs of old age: loss of memory ... I forget the other two.

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

I don't need glasses, but I've just reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity.

There are three ages of man: youth middle age and "Gee you look good."

You know how to tell when you're getting old? When your broad mind changes places with your narrow waist.

Exercise? I get it on the golf course. When I see my friends collapse, I run for the paramedics.

Mom used to say I didn't run away from home my destiny just caught up with me at an early age.

I consider the television set as the American fireplace, around which the whole family will gather.

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.

I get plenty of exercise carrying the coffins of my friends who exercise.