Quotes from Milton Jones

Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.

So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. Sorry out of stock, lucky you chose that one.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

I've got a bit of Scottish Blood... On my kitchen knife!!

Incredible to think isn't it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!