Quotes from Alfie Kohn

But, as with punishments, they can never help someone to develop a commitment to a task or an action, a reason to keep doing it when there's no longer a payoff.

Norman Kunc, who conducts workshops on inclusive education and non-coercive practices, points out that "what we call 'behavior problems' are often situations of legitimate conflict; we just get to call them behavior problems because we have more power" than children do. (You're not allowed to say that your spouse has a behavior problem.)

the most notable aspect of a positive judgment is not that it is positive but that it is a judgment.

The inevitable result of consistently employing power to control [your] kids when they are young is that [you] never learn how to influence." The more you rely on punishment, therefore, "the less real influence you'll have on their lives.

In extreme cases, the "press for success" can reach a fever pitch, such that the child's present is essentially mortgaged to the future. Activities that might bring meaning or enjoyment are sacrificed in a ceaseless effort to prepare for Harvard.

There is no evidence that any amount of homework improves the academic performance of elementary students.

Just because a child's action may have a negative effect on you doesn't mean that was the child's intention.

Some parents withdraw their love by simply refusing to respond to a child—that is, by making a point of ignoring him. They may not say it out loud, but the message they're sending is pretty clear: "If you do things I don't like, I won't pay any attention to you. I'll pretend you're not even here. If you want me to acknowledge you again, you'd better obey me.

The exceptional teachers not only tended to give less homework but also were likely to give students more choices about their assignments.

It may be the poorest teachers who assign the most homework [because] effective teachers may cover all the material in class.

Some behavioral psychologists defend the practice of punishing employees on the grounds that it helps to "clarify management's expectations of performance and promote goal setting."81 (This is comparable to the claim that throwing employees out an office window helps to clarify what floor they work on.) One

The goal of reading every night is not to teach your child how to learn to read. That can be my job. The point of reading every night is beginning a conversation, making connections, learning the language of books, and sharing a love of literature.

Students will become good readers when they read more. Students will read more when they enjoy reading. They will enjoy reading when they enjoy their reading material. They will enjoy their reading material when they are left to choose it themselves, and to delve into it on their own terms.

As Thomas Gordon pointed out, 'The inevitable result of consistently employing power to control [your] kids when they are young is that [you] never learn how to influence.' The more you rely on punishment, therefore, 'the less real influence you'll have on their lives.

When you come right down to it, the whole process of raising a kid is pretty damned inconvenient, particularly if you want to do it well. If you're unwilling to give up any of your free time, if you want your house to stay quiet and clean, you might consider raising tropical fish instead.

Being afraid of failure isn't at all the same thing as embracing success. In fact, the former gets in the way of the latter.

what actually stood between the carrot and the stick was, of course, a jackass.

When we repeatedly promise rewards to children for acting responsibly, or to students for making an effort to learn something new, or to employees for doing quality work, we are assuming that they could not or would not choose to act this way on their own.

the use of rewards for reading, writing, drawing, acting responsibly and generously, and so on is cause for concern, not only because these things could be intrinsically motivating but because we want to encourage rather than extinguish that motivation.

Competition makes self-esteem conditional and precarious, and it has that effect on winners and losers alike. What's more, the effect isn't limited to "excessive" competition. Rather, it appears that anytime children are set against one another such that one can succeed only by making others fail, there is a psychological price to be paid. *  *  *

In an autobiographical essay published in 1946, Albert Einstein reflected on his days as a student of physics some fifty years earlier. He recalled his teachers with affection but, referring to exams, said, "This coercion had such a deterring effect that after I had passed the final examination, I found the consideration of any scientific problems distasteful to me for an entire year.

Nothing is more important to us when we're young than how our parents feel about us. Uncertainty about that, or terror about being abandoned, can leave its mark even after we're grown.

control is an unavoidable feature of human relationships; all that actually varies is the subtlety of the system of reinforcement.

Where did this disposition come from? And what are our long-term goals for people—particularly children—with respect to motivation?