Quotes from Stephen Colbert, I Am America

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

... had to pee like a racehorse at an Iced Tea convention.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

After Jesus showed up, the Old Testament basically became a way for Bible publishers to keep their word coun

All weather is sin-related. Lust causes thunder, anger causes fog, and you don't want to know what causes dew.

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.