Quotes from Doug Benson

I almost did the knee-jerk thing of saying Judge Judy is funny to me, but I just don't have the patience for the format of that show.

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Smoking pot makes people talk for long periods of time, for instance, so people who advocate pot won't shut the hell up about it.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

I used to make love to Green Day's music. But 9 minutes? I'm not Superman.

I started doing pot jokes, and I noticed that audiences invariably love pot jokes. Even people who don't smoke pot think it's a funny subject.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

Society has definitely gotten to the point where everybody has to comment on anything, and if you want to stay sane as a performer, you're better off not reading that stuff.

Everyone wants to look good in photographs, even us trolls who tell jokes.

If someone wants to make a joke about me smoking too much pot, I'm not going to get mad at them, because I've put it out there that that's what I do.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

I grew up in San Diego, so it wasn't hard to move to L.A. to get into show business, but I did the standard thing of just moving without much money and just seeing if I could make it work.

Einstein used science to get laid. That guy is a genius. I've been using money.

The motion picture Deadpool was my favorite funny movie of [2016]. Something that I could just watch over and over again, because it's just so... he says so many things.