Quotes from Chic Murray

My sister wanted a cat for a pet... I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

The boat was so old; it must have been launched when Long John Silver had two legs and an egg on his shoulder.

It was a pretty posh place. They were so used to fur coats that two bears strolled in and ordered lunch and nobody even noticed.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

We've got stained glass windows in our house; it's those damned pigeons.

I won't say I was slow developer, but our teacher was quite pleased to have someone her own age in the class to talk to.

There's a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

I first met my wife in the tunnel of love. She was digging it at the time.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

A Scot is a man who keeps the Sabbath, and everything else he can lay his hands on.

My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.

The police stopped me when I was out in my car. They told me it was a spot check. I admitted to two pimples and a boil.

So there I was lying in the gutter. A man stopped and asked '"What's the matter? Did you fall over?" So I said "No. I've a bar of toffee in my back pocket and I was just trying to break it."

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

My parents never understood me; they were Japanese.

My father was from Aberdeen, and a more generous man you couldn't wish to meet. I have a gold watch that belonged to him. He sold it to me on his deathbed. I wrote him a cheque for it, post dated of course.

My father was a simple man. My mother was a simple woman. You see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton