Quotes from Maureen Lipman

A tortoise is, I suppose, a Jewish pet. It knows its place. Out on the lawn. It doesn't bark. It doesn't tear the Dralon.

Are you sitting comfortably? Then get up. This is no time for sloth.

Definition of a Jewish nymphomaniac: A woman who will make love the same day she has her hair done.

My idea of a good work-out is two hours spent worrying about the bags under my eyes.

You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view.

Did you ever meet a mother that complained that her child phoned her too often? Me neither.