Quotes from Arj Barker

I'm in love with a philosophy major, and she doesn't even know I exist. And what's worse, she can prove it.

I quit because I'm so tired of hearing bad news about cigarettes... Even if they discover good news, they don't publicize it - like the fact that smoking seriously reduces the risk of jogging.

I believe that if you go on a date and get to second base and then you go home alone and rub one out, that's like runs batted in.

I'm thinking of switching banks, and my friend said, 'Well, what's wrong with Citibank?' Well, they can't spell 'city.' I hope their math is better than their English is.

I was high on life but eventually I built up a tolerance.

My general rule of thumb is, once something's a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don't expect to get attacked by a giant tea cup anytime soon.

I was high on life, but eventually I built up a tolerance.

Because Google is so popular, it's conceited. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? "Um, did you mean . . . ?"

I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

I just got a new iPod. It's got 80 gigabytes. Because I like to jog for three weeks at a time and I do not want to hear the same song twice.

I'm not even worried about settling down. I think it's way too early. I'm 25 and I'm in show business. I mean, if things go well, my wife hasn't even been born yet.

I never smoke grass and drive my car because, for one thing, no matter how many letters I write to the road commissions, they still refuse to start designing highways with second-chance exits.