Quotes from Bennett Cerf

In a notable family called Stein There were Gertrude, and Ep, and then Ein. Gert's writing was hazy, Ep's statues were crazy, And nobody understood Ein.

I don't stutter when I talk to God. He loves me.

Good manners: The noise you don't make when you're eating soup.

There once was a student named Bessor Whose knowledge grew lessor and lessor. It at last grew so small He knew nothing at all, And today he's a college professor!

Fame - anyone who says he doesn't like it is crazy.

The person who can bring the spirit of laughter into a room is indeed blessed.

Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

Middle age is when your old classmates are so grey and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

Good manners: The noise you don't make when you're eating soup.

Middle age is when your classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

Coleridge was a drug addict. Poe was an alcoholic. Marlowe was killed by a man whom he was treacherously trying to stab. Pope took money to keep a woman's name out of a satire, then wrote a piece so that she could still be recognized, anyhow. Chatterton killed himself. Byron was accused of incest. Do you still want to a writer -and if so, why?

I can't say this too often—that a little humor can make life worth living. That has always been my credo. Somebody once asked me, "What would you like your epitaph to be?" I've always said that I'd like it to be: "He left people a little happier than they were when he came into the room.

When people are decent, things work out for everybody," my father instructs us. "That's been my theory all through life. If you're making money, let the other fellow make it, too.… If you can work a thing out so that everybody profits, that's the ideal business.

Everybody was being decent, and when people are decent, thing work out for everybody. That has been my theory all through life. If you're making money, let the other fellow make it too. If somebody's getting hurt, it's bad, but if you can work a thing out so that everybody profits that's the ideal business.

Gross ignorance is 144 times worse than ordinary ignorance.

Television, I love it, everything that happened before television lumped together, never caused folks to turn on a street to stare at me, or waitresses to ask for autographs.

For me, a hearty 'belly laugh' is one of the beautiful sounds in the world.

They tell about a fifteen-year-old boy in an orphans' home who had an incurable stutter. One Sunday the minister was detained and the boy volunteered to say the prayer in his stead. He did it perfectly, too, without a single stutter. Later he explained, "I don't stutter when I talk to God. He loves me."

Football season: The only time of the year when a man can walk down the street with a blond on one arm and a blanket on the other without encountering raised eyebrows.

The Atomic Age is here to stay - but are we?

Middle age is when your old classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald they don't recognize you.

The Detroit String Quartet played Brahms last night. Brahms lost.

Banquet: a plate of cold, hairy chicken and artificially coloured green peas completely surrounded by dreary speeches and appeals for donations.