Quotes from Simon Rich

I never really liked "cool" books. I plowed through as much Borges and Joyce as possible, read the first half of V. and spent whole Bar Mitzvah checks on Beat poetry.

Most of my work is, I get an idea, and, with the help of Wikipedia, I can write. I don't have to leave my apartment.

There are actual monsters in the world, but when my kids ask I pretend like there aren't.

I know the odds are against us. I know she's a siren. I know she's eaten people. I know she's five thousand years older than me. But I really like her.

You cannot murder interns, but other than that, they are the same as mules. You can rob them, abuse them, debase them. There are no limits. When a man agrees to be intern, he is saying, "I am no longer human being with rights, I am like dog or monkey. Use me for labor until my body breaks and then consume all of my meats." I

The trick to surviving with low funds is to not have such high standards.

Was it still a miracle if someone had to suffer?

It's not just about Jen," he said. "It's about the entire romantic system. Ninety-nine percent of men are in love with the top one percent of women. And yet they often refuse to date us. It's a complete injustice.

Dreams were invented by Angels to test out their beta programs.

I spend long, long time in shoe box.

There were a lot of fun things to do in heaven. But none were as thrilling as what you could do on Earth.

Otto could be extremely convincing. During our sophomore year, he'd persuaded me to boycott McDonald's, even though they'd recently brought back the McRib.

I still believe that change is possible. With enough hard work and organization, there's no reason activists can't stop genocide, achieve nuclear disarmament, eradicate poverty, or end all human wars. But when it comes to the stuff that really matters, the stuff that really counts? There's nothing you can do.

Well, that's splendid!" Mr. Goat said. "As long as we preserve our friendship—that's the important thing." "Yes!" Olivia said. "Exactly!" There was a pause. "Can I kiss you?" Mr. Goat said. Olivia groaned. "I just want to be friends," she said firmly. "That's all." "I

Before OkCupid profiles became mandated by the Galactic Government, the only way to find a mate was to self-induce brain damage and beg strangers for sex in public. The fact that anyone ever achieved sexual congress during these dark times is a remarkable testament to man's will to survive.

He handed her a tissue, but she didn't know what a tissue was, so she put it in her mouth and tried to eat it.

The Benders had died in a helicopter explosion but were otherwise in perfect health.

God liked eggs in the morning. It didn't really matter which kind. Poached, fried, scrambled. Sometimes he had them bring him what he called a bird's nest: a piece of toast with an egg stuck in the middle.

Although I have scheduled over one million meetings, I have never had the privilege of attending one. The reason is that no colleague has ever requested my company. Sometimes I like to watch meetings from a distance and imagine that I am a participant, drinking water, nodding my head, and saying words. My hope is that if I continue to work on my social skills, this dream of mine will someday come to pass.

Craig leapt spryly out of the way. He was in a good mood. He'd just received an e-mail from Angel Resources informing him that he'd clinched another Angel of the Month award. The prize was pretty good this time: a coupon for a medium pizza of his choice. There was some fine print on the back of the coupon: deep-dish pies cost extra, he couldn't order more than three meat toppings, and the offer expired in fifteen days.

Almost everything in this inbox is expired. Look." She handed him a yellowed scrap of paper from the bottom of the pile. Dear God: Please get me tickets to C+C Music Factory. Tania Banks, March 3, 1991

It takes him long time, but eventually Simon is able to explain. A computer is a magical box that provides endless pleasure for free. Simon is used to constant access to this box—a never-ending flow of pleasures. When the box stops working—or even just briefly slows down—he becomes so enraged that he curses our God, the one who gave

Saw you by the Dumpster, eating a pile of what appeared to be human vomit. You seemed like someone who doesn't take himself too seriously. Not sure if you're male or female, but either way I'd love to smell your genitals. Let me know if you're intrigued.

But the vast majority of humans are descendants of the children of the dirt. And no matter how long they search the earth, they'll never find what they're looking for because there's nobody for them, not anybody in the world.