Quotes from Margaret Smith

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. And it's a train.

If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said "No."

I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to make copies of their tapes.

The best contraceptive is the word no - repeated frequently.

I don't visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won't wait in the yard while I run in.

Sin recognized but that may keep us humble, But oh, it keeps us nasty.

They say tall people live a lot longer than short people. No they don't. They're just so irritating it seems they are around a lot longer.

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

It's true that misery loves company. If you ever doubt that, look at a No-Pest Strip. It's covered with flies. You'd think that the first fly would tell any others "Go around! Go around!"

The older you get, the higher you wear your underwear. Like rings on a tree. Eighty, ninety years old, your breasts are inside them. When you die, they just pull them up over your head.

The best contraceptive is the word "no" repeated frequently.

There's a light at the end of the tunnel. And it's a train.

I went out to dinner with a Marine. He looked across the table and he goes, "I could kill you in seven seconds." I go, "I'll just have toast then."

I adopted a baby. I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.

I've been sort of crabby lately. It's that time of the month again–the rent's due.

The best contraceptive is the word no — repeated frequently.

My uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?

I can't get a relationship to last longer than it takes to make copies of their tapes.