Quotes from Eugene Mirman

God is a twelve year old boy with Asperger's.

Like if you're Jewish you have to wear a hat, but only in the middle of your head. But it all becomes clear the second that you realize that God is a 12-year-old boy with Asperger's.

I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

I laugh at weird times - at good and bad things alike. I laugh simply when things are incongruous. It's not necessarily a judgment - as it is noticing the oddity of something.

If no one figures out you are pretending to be retarded, your life will be greeted with treasure.

I don't speak French, but I took it for five years growing up. So, if I were in a situation where I had to be, like, 'Excuse me, pineapple dog house red, what time is it library?' - no problem.

Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.

I believe in diversification of income, because you never know what will happen. I'm a slightly paranoid person who thinks things could be ruined at any time.

In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

Marriage is when two people love each other so much that they promise that if they ever, ever stop they'll fill out tons of paperwork.

Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

You can do anything you want, as long as it works.

In America, Qualification is simply an attitude. I've adopted it. So, yes. I am qualified.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You'd just be like, I am bike cheese. Because you wouldn't know what words were.

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.