Quotes from Robert Lynn Asprin

Earthquakes were extremely uncommon in this area. A dragon and a unicorn playing tag wasn't.

Went with one (Assassin) for a while... lovely lass, but she couldn't keep her mouth shut, even in bed. Sometimes I wonder if any profession really guards its secrets as closely as they claim.

The Demon curled its lips back, revealing a double row of needle-sharp teeth. I considered changing my chosen course of action; I considered fainting.

The Dispatcher had played with his phones, calling from one to the other. Then he put them all down and announced that he had them on "hold," a curious expression since it was the first time in half an hour he hadn't been holding one.

I have also noted, over the course of our friendship, that his hearing is curiously erratic. He can hear a lizard-bird scratching itself half a mile away, but occasionally seems unable to hear the politest of requests no matter how loudly I shout them at him.

Terrific!" I said, and meant it for a change.

since 9/11 every penny-ante pissant they want to mess with gets the terrorist label slapped on. But a terrorist poker game. I'll admit, that's a new one.

One peep out of you, and I'll use you for a U-bend under my bathroom sink, holes or no holes, savvy?

Guys getting in shape before joining an exercise class was not unlike the thing women do when they clean up before the maid comes.

As he puts it, "Waitresses and card dealers are paid minimum wage in anticipation of their income being supplemented by tips, so if one doesn't tip them, one is, in effect, robbing them of their livelihood. Public officials, on the other hand, are expected to live within their salaries, so any effort on their part to obtain additional earnings for the simple performance of their duties is extortion at its worst and should be a jailable offense!

Say, Aahz?" "Hmm? Yeah, kid?" "What dimension do you come from?" "Perv." "Does that make you a Pervert?" "No. That makes me a Pervect. Now shut up!

action in an absence of information is wasted effort

From the next hour he will be reading from ancient text." "How ancient, I asked, a thousend years or last weeks?" "Very ancient, the girl said solemmly, but it is a forgivable interuption under those cicumstances, and the texts will just become more ancient in waiting.

The rationalist is convinced that every sophont is at bottom predictable, acting according to consistent (if not necessarily already well-known) rules. The mystic, for his part, believes that every creature conceals within its breast some element of the wild and unpredictable.

A foursome?" said the general. "Now you're talking—especially if there's some action on it.

Unaccustomed as I was to gracious dining, I realized in a flash that this wasn't it.

The Gambolts, in fact, were especially fond of nutria. When Escrima first offered that dish on the Legion menu, Duke had sampled it and said approvingly, "It tastes much like rodent—but of unusual size.

Aahz hesitedted, then shugger. "A quater of a milion eatch". "A QUATER OF A MILION???" My voice had not hit that note since my voice changed. "We had not told him", my partner sighed. "I was afraid that if he knew what the stakes are he would clutch." "A quater of a milion" I repeated, a bit hoaser this time. "See?" Ahzz Grinned. "You are cluching.

Vampies" I said carefully. "Sure. It all fitts," Massha nodded. "The plae skin, the sharp fangs, the red eyeliner, the way they turn into bats." "Turned into bats?" "You missed that Boss" Guido suplloed.

I had expected a certain amount of exitment from the staff when they found out I wasn't totaly helpless. Instead, they looked unfomfortable. They exchanged glances, then looked at the sky, then at the ground. "umm.... does this mean we're going on? Guido said at last.

What's bureaucracy?" I asked, finally getting a word in edgewise. "Red tape . . . the system, " Aahz informed me. "The organization to get things done that keeps things from getting done.

Organized crime?" I blinked. "It's like government, kid, " Aahz supplied. "Only more effective.

It's always easier to destroy than to create." - ANY GENERAL, ANY ARMY, ANY AGE.

how good are you with sign languish?" "Quite competent within a very narrow range, sir" said Bekker. "I'm certain I can communicate hostility and frustration with no risk of misunderstanding. More complex matter might exead my abilities.