Quotes from Jane Middelton-Moz

Fatalistic Outlook The powerlessness and helplessness of experiencing cumulative trauma is often experienced as a belief that bad times or even death are right around the corner, that one is living on borrowed time, or that feelings of security and success cannot last.

ACOAs often develop an external locus of control, believing that something outside of themselves will decrease the emptiness or the pain they feel inside. Thoughts such as "If the house is clean enough, I will be good enough" or "If I win the big one at the casino, I will be somebody important" are attempts to control blocked pain and fear.

Children of Alcoholics stop expecting or wanting help because the continual feeling of disappointment is too painful.

They learn to relate by caretaking, pleasing, isolating, or acting out rather than fully relating with their true and authentic selves. As a result, they feel accepted for their roles, not for who they were. Adult Children often have no idea how to have an equal partner relationship with healthy communication and normal conflict. As one ACOA said, "I feel that everyone else got a book at birth on how to live life, have relationships, and parent—and I never got my copy.

Children from healthy families may work out childhood traumas in the playroom, while children of addicted families find themselves working out the painful traumas of the past in real life.

These children learn to adapt to life rather than learning how to live their lives.

first, the repeated experience of the trauma itself; second, the effects of the trauma on personality development; and third, the need to re-experience the feelings and/or memories of the original trauma in order to integrate it and work it through.

Wounded, narcissistic parents may need a grateful child. A father who was unpopular or clumsy as a child may need an athlete. A parent afraid of his or her own anger may need an acting-out child. The real child, the child who was meant to grow and develop into a self in his or her own right, is often never seen. Even if Joan's interest had been in science or math, her mother needed a dancer—and children will make every effort to be what is expected of them.

Overwhelming evidence in resiliency research indicates that a child's ability to endure and rise above painful childhood adversity depends on the presence of at least one caring, nurturing adult

Unfortunately, many children of alcoholics have not been given a secure base from which to venture into the adult world. The focus on addiction in their families, rather than on the developing needs of children, often causes children of alcoholics to feel shameful and anxious rather than confident and secure. These children learn to adapt to life rather than learning how to live their lives. Without

When the time capsule from the past bursts open, flooding her with feelings, she will confuse her traumatic memory from the past with her experience in the present. Painful experiences from the past, if not understood, validated, processed, and integrated with a compassionate and trusted other, will continue to intrude on our present and form our beliefs and expectations of others and life experiences.

There is often the fear of "making waves" or "not being good" and enormous guilt for doing or saying the wrong thing or making a mistake. Family members rarely see or learn normal conflict resolution, and any sign of conflict triggers fear of either violence or abandonment.