Quotes from Edwin H Friedman

the major relational problem for our species is not getting together; protoplasm loves to join. The problem is preserving self in a close relationship. No human on planet Earth does that well.

when one individual in a marriage stands up to another, while the other will not like it at first, he or she generally will begin to find the person more attractive.

the key to survival is the ability of the "host" to recognize and limit the invasiveness of its viral or malignant components.

If lack of self-regulation is the essential characteristic of organisms that are destructive, it is the presence of self-regulatory capacity that is critical to the health, survival, and evolution of an organism or an organization.

There are always three factors involved in survival, no matter how toxic the environment. One is the physical reality; the second is dumb luck; and the third is the response of the organism, which can often modify the influence of the first two. The relationship of these three factors can be imagined as dials on an amplifier, with survival depending on the overall mix.

while the modern, human animal is capable of deep thought and, like its mammalian forebears, can nurture and play, it also is capable of behaving in an absolutely "reptilian" manner.

The three criteria of reptilian functioning that leaders of any family or institution can always rely on to judge madness (of others or their own) are ??interfering in the relationships of others; ??unceasingly trying to convert others to their own point of view; and ??being unable to relate to people who do not agree with them.

any community or family discussion, those who are the first to introduce concern for empathy feel powerless, and are trying to use the togetherness force of a regressed society to get those whom they perceive to have power to adapt to them.

information does not consist of energy, and leadership is all about energy, about making an impact. Basing leadership on information theory disempowers leaders and is part of the bias toward data that was discussed earlier in this chapter. Impact, to the contrary, is about emotional process.

A "new world" view of the brain suggests instead that communication is itself an emotional phenomenon that depends on three interrelational rather than "mental" variables: direction, distance, and anxiety. The capacity of those with whom you are communicating to hear you depends primarily on these three variables.

the "old world" view separates data from emotional process and focuses leaders on the "talking heads" of others, while the "new world" view focuses leaders on the nature of their own presence.

Daniel Kahneman astutely observed, "No one ever made a decision because of a number. They need a story.

those who lack self-definition, whether they are children, marriage partners, employees, clients, therapists, or supervisors, will always perceive those who are well-defined to be "headstrong.

Sabotage is not merely something to be avoided or wished away; instead, it comes with the territory of leading, whether the "territory" is a family or an organization

Leadership can be thought of as a capacity to define oneself to others in a way that clarifies and expands a vision of the future.

The function of a leader within any institution: to provide that regulation through his or her non-anxious, self-defined presence.

A major criterion for judging the anxiety level of any society is the loss of its capacity to be playful.

no one has ever gone from slavery to freedom with the slaveholders cheering them on

Attitudes are the real figures of speech.