Quotes from William Ury

Let him who would move the world first move himself. —SOCRATES

A behavioral proposal focuses on what you'd like the other to do, not on who you'd like the other to be.

Framing your solution negatively, such as "Don't shout at me," tends to focus the other's attention even more on the unwanted behavior and may unconsciously reinforce it, particularly if you are shouting back at them. It is more effective to say, quietly, "Please talk to me in a quiet tone." Focus the other's mind clearly on the positive action you want them to take.

Winston Churchill once quipped, "The pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty." He

The son changed the focus from the negative ("Sell the house") to the positive ("Try this new arrangement for six weeks"). In other words, don't just tell the other to stop doing something you don't want; ask them to start doing something you do want.

You can empathize without sympathizing.

3A trap": we attack, we accommodate (in other words, give in), or we avoid altogether

By pausing, if only for a few seconds and taking a few slow, deep breaths, we can begin to slow down our heart rate and relax our tensed muscles. We can then focus more effectively on what response will best advance our interests.

Your repetition can be intentional. You can use the same anchor phrase freshly each time, renewed by focusing on your underlying intention— the deeper Yes that lies within you. You can also humanize the repetition with a smile or acknowledgment.

If there is a single lesson I have learned, it is this: in life, we are destined to lose many things. That is the nature of life. Never mind. Just don't lose the present. Nothing is worth it. There is nothing more important than "this," the fullness of life right now.

We can make a strong unconditional commitment to ourselves to take care of our deepest needs, no matter what other people do or don't do.

Effective negotiation requires a persistent focus on what is most important.

Acknowledge the truth of the difficulties, thank the person, and focus on a positive future.

Saying No is a way for you to communicate with yourself. It forces you to breathe, which breaks the freeze response. It gathers your energy. It gets your adrenaline going. It reminds you of the [self-defense] class, your muscle memory, the support of the line [your peers], and the fact that you have the right to fight for your own safety.

Lutar com dureza na negocição de questões substantivas aumenta a pressão para que se encontre uma solução eficaz. Apoiar os seres humanos do outro lado tende a melhorar o seu relacionamento e aumentar as chances de se chegar a um entendimento. É a combinação de apoio e ataque que funciona; uma coisa sem a outra será insuficiente.

Procurar culpados faz com que as pessoas se embaralhem com o problema.

Our ability to relax and let life flow naturally depends on how solidly anchored we feel in a friendly world. If we can reframe our picture of life and find satisfaction from within, then we will be more willing to let go of our resentments about the past and our anxieties about the future. Reframing allows us to relax and to accept life just as it is.

He drew a circle that shut me out— Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout. But love and I had the wit to win: We drew a circle that took him in! —EDWIN MARKHAM

Discutir com base em posições ameaça o relacionamento.

Uma boa relação de trabalho tende a facilitar a obtenção de bons resultados substantivos para ambos os lados. E bons resultados tendem a tornar ainda melhores bons relacionamentos.

My friend Donna even likes to give humorous names to her reactive emotions such as "Freddy Fear," "Judge Judy," and "Anger Annie.

You need confidence to stand up for yourself in the face of the other's reaction. You need power to be able to follow through on your No if the other refuses to respect it.

If you are refusing an alcoholic drink, for instance, you don't need to justify your refusal. A simple respectful "No thanks" will do. You know your Yes—that is essential—but sometimes you keep it to yourself, because it is your business and not theirs.

If the other refuses to respect your No, you may see only two choices: submission and outright war. Yet there is a third choice, highlighted by Gandhi: to underscore your Positive No. Don't overreact, underscore. To underscore means to emphasize patiently and persistently that No in fact means No. It means continuing to stand up for what is important to you without destroying the possibility of a deal or a healthy relationship.