Quotes from David P. Celani

Despite the fact that our failed developmental history was our parents' "fault," each of us has the ultimate responsibility for our own life. Those of us who have been victimized by indifference, neglect, or abuse are responsible for the rest of our lives. We must work to understand our histories, to separate as best as we can from those who have hurt us, and to pursue gratifying relationships in the future.

Not surprisingly, his father (who was unaware of how abusive he had been), took credit for Richard's high entrance exam scores, noting how successful his educational program had been. Richard's father's poorly controlled wounded self, which acted out sadistically toward him, was never openly acknowledged and thus both father and son were prevented from seeing how badly the father had undermined his son's sense of self.

When they look at themselves they see nothing that was valued by their parents.

Our culture seems incapable of connecting cause and effect when the two events do not occur within easy recall of each other. The parents of these young adults have failed them totally, yet we as a culture refuse to connect cause and effect because we have no stomach for punishing the innocent-appearing parents.

He or she cannot clearly remember what happened when they were two, three, or four years of age. Worse, the reality of their developmental history has been clouded and denied by the effects of both the splitting and moral defenses. The result of this psychological conspiracy leaves one and only one recourse open for the victim: to unconsciously act out the same destructive pattern with the next generation of child-victims.

If I do not destroy the "family," the "family" will destroy me. —R. D. Laing

Only psychologically mature young adults can tolerate the reality that their parents failed them in certain areas, because their maturity frees them from needing false but comforting illusions about their parents. That is, their identity is firm enough to allow them to stand on their own without needing the support of their parents.

When they no longer need parental support, they also no longer need the defense mechanisms that blinded them (in order to keep them feeling secure) to their parents' failings.

Often, these fantasies are barely based on reality and no longer involve an emotional attachment to others, since these young adults were so deeply disappointed in their parents. In effect, the young adult has given up hope of emotional support from the human community and has substituted grandiose fantasies of unlimited power or fame.

The undernurtured young adult simply cannot afford to recognize that the parents he relies on are incapable of offering the support that he desperately needs.

As time goes on, she falls further behind in terms of social skills and achievements. As she gets older and her body continues to grow, she is placed in an ever more frightening position with increasing social expectations. Instead of allowing a complex, rich, and confident identity to emerge, she is left with a mostly unconscious wounded self and a childlike, need-driven personality.

developmentally unhelpful families who have been able to leave the actual family home, but are unable to prevent the severity of their defenses from disrupting their adult friendships. In effect, Sandy carried such intense and powerful images of her family in her head that she reacted to others as if they were from her family of origin.

This is the great paradox of defense mechanisms: they protect us from crushing anxiety during our childhoods, but then become an integral part of our personality that often damages us in adulthood.

The same phenomenon can be observed when young adults with underformed personalities who join cults and fringe groups. These groups attract hordes of "adults" who never had the type of early care that resulted in a solid identity, and they eagerly give up what little personality structure they have and allow the cult to dominate their life.

Repetition Compulsion": Doing "It" Over and Over Again

The hopeful self serves as a lifesaving antidote to the bitter and envious wounded self, which often becomes committed to destroying the rejecting aspects of the parents or other adults in positions of authority.

Don't complain, and don't explain." That is, don't complain about your emotionally impoverished history to your parents, because they will never validate your perspective of your childhood. Second, don't explain your quiet withdrawal from the family scene. Simply slip away as gracefully as possible and concentrate your efforts at developing relationships with people who support and embrace you.

She, like so many other patients, was looking backward to her childhood, instead of forward. Not surprisingly, her neglected marriage dissolved.

The loss for all adults who remain loyal to ungiving parents is the loss of time. Living with the attitudes and identity of a child in an adult body is a guaranteed way of wasting time that could be used toward developing a more mature and satisfying way of life. The lost time is simply that—lost—and every passing year reduces the probability that the adult child who remains attached to failed parents will be able to emerge into adulthood.

Healthy individuals are not interested in rescuing desperate peers, nor do they feel guilty about leaving or avoiding excessively demanding acquaintances.

The missing link between reading a self-help book and actually achieving positive personality growth is a network of long-term give-and-take relationships with concerned others. Human beings simply cannot develop into mature adults (regardless of their chronological age) without the love and support of people around them. When I say "love," I am speaking in the general sense of the word meaning those who appreciate, enjoy, support, and show interest in others.

we all must reach to free ourselves from the bondage of our illusions and defenses.

it is the essential and self-preserving act that must be taken if we intend to lead a better life. This bold and courageous step can only occur after we conquer our defensive illusions—both about our parents and about ourselves.