Quotes from Eleanor D. Payson

The severity and intensity of this disorder comes from the NPD individual's desperate pursuit to gain a sense of self. He consciously understands none of this, yet his inner need to feel worthwhile causes him to manipulate people in order to maintain an endless supply of attention, control, status, money, power, or recognition.

The difficulty recognizing this problem early in your relationship with him is due to the fact that the deeper issues of narcissism can exist behind many different personas. A covert type of NPD person may appear shy, with a quiet authority. You, therefore, assume this individual has a quality of humility and expect that he will be sensitive to your feelings.

The NPD person's increasing dissatisfaction with you just as you are risking significant emotional investment can be painful and baffling. You may find yourself asking, What happened to the love we shared? How could he claim to love me so deeply and be so cruel? Your concern and uneasiness around questions like these are important signals that alert you to the potential of a serious narcissistic dynamic in the person you love.

codependent behaviors. Generally these are behaviors that are care taking of others to the point where you and your needs are lost.

the truth is that almost anyone will be pulled into care taking behaviors when interacting with the NPD person.

may feel obligated to keep a low profile in an attempt to establish some sense of harmony. Unfortunately, at the same time, you may also be giving up opportunities to express your opinions and assert your needs.

The ultimate weapon for the abusive individual is the refusal to communicate directly....

Battered by the forcefulness of the narcissist's accusatory projections and inability to engage in a meaningful exchange, we witness the codependent's continued deterioration as she descends into a true victim experience.

This process involves three distinct phases: awareness, emotional healing, and empowerment. Yet, regardless of the type of relationship, the process is always one of reclaiming yourself.

Although not conscious, everyone senses the potent sensitivity or volatility under the surface in the NPD individual.

Her compulsive striving becomes the mode and mantra that she lives by, a trap that frequently becomes a lifelong pattern. The child, unable to remain grounded in the positive nature of her being, now becomes mesmerized by the conditional realities that she has learned will elicit affirmation.

Without parental grounding, she lacks the help she requires to process her intense emotional responses or the distorted versions of her idealized self. Stalled on the threshold of selfhood, the psyche of the child becomes increasingly preoccupied with her external self.

Above all is the NPD person's need for control, particularly in close relationships.

disguises the narcissistic needs for attention with a demeanor of constant fretting, worry, and overprotection.

the NPD person's complete self-absorption results in an insidious tendency to devalue those within his or her sphere of influence, either subtly with condescension, or openly with criticism. The inevitable impact on the individual in a relationship with an NPD person is a dangerous erosion of self-esteem.

The word narcissism in its most fundamental sense means a tendency to self-worship. For the narcissist, his excessive self-absorption is a protection against unconscious but powerful feelings of inadequacy. Seduced by the narcissist's camouflage of outer charm or confidence, you are eventually drawn into the nightmare side of this relationship. By the time you realize that something is wrong, the cumulative effects can range from bruised self-esteem to severe depression.

Your confusion and self-doubt are important warning signals that you may be encountering someone who has a narcissistic personality disorder.

that the number one predictor for the long-term success ofany relationship is how well the couple is able to handle conflict.

the general rules of reciprocity are not working with the NPD person. The relationship begins to operate more and more on his terms as if these are the only terms.

Although not as exaggerated as the grandiosity of the narcissistically defended child, the codependent child now manifests a measure of grandiosity in her own right—the extraordinary helper.

painful truth that, without outside help, the codependent partner will accommodate to the functional level of the less healthy partner.

Whether we do this explicitly or implicitly, we must learn to extricate ourselves from the narcissist's constant distortion of reality.