Quotes from Eliana Gil

It is easy to understand why trust becomes a major issue for adults abused as children when you remember that trust is learned in childhood. As children, we were totally dependent upon our parents. We trusted that they would feed us, change our diapers, keep us safe and warm. When this trust is unknown or broken, it is difficult to restore.

For whatever reason, whether you were neglected or abused physically, sexually, or emotionally, it was a problem with your parents, not with you.

Professionals and the public were largely unaware of abuse, and no one knew exactly how to deal with the problem when it was identified. Denial is not a defense used only by abused children. Society at large has had a hard time believing that children are abused by parents and that they need protection. You are not alone behind a wall. Your parents, teachers, doctors, and others may have had the same desire to hide and avoid the truth.

Neglect is when a parent does not feed a child or provide the basic necessities such as clothing or shelter, or medical attention if needed. Leaving a child alone when the child is not yet ready to care for him/herself is neglectful since it leaves a child in a potentially dangerous situation.

Emotional neglect is when parents don't take an interest in their child, and do not talk to or hold and hug the youngster, and are generally emotionally unavailable to the child. Alcoholic parents are often neglectful of their childrens' needs. Although emotional neglect or abuse may not leave physical scars, it has serious consequences for the child.

Mental suffering occurs when a child is psychologically abused. If a parent calls a child names, constantly belittles the child, blocks every effort on the part of the child to accept him/herself, this can cause mental suffering to the child. Threat of abandonment can also make the child anxious and afraid, and is another form of mental suffering.

Feeling angry is natural; you have a right to feel angry. Expressing this anger is the most important lesson to be learned. How do you get rid of all the poisonous, furious feelings you have without hurting yourself or others?

The flip side of anger is helplessness. This feeling of helplessness can quickly turn into anger or rage.

The flip side of helplessness is anger.

Anger can be a problem if you find yourself on the receiving end of it. Because you witnessed violent anger, you expect all arguments or expressions of angry feelings to result in violence. This is simply not the case. Many of you grew up without a middle ground for expressing anger - it was either not expressed, or exploded into violence. A middle ground is safe anger expression. (See Chapter VI).

As you begin to accept that you were not responsible for the abuse, and that your parents had a problem many people have, you may feel less embarrassed.

When one cannot trust, a vicious cycle begins. The less you trust, the less likely you are to have friends or intimate relationships. The more isolated you become, the less you can trust others. When others do not seek you out, or you cannot seem to make friends, you may think that there is something wrong with you.

One way to protect yourself is by not needing or wanting anything. If you expect nothing, you cannot be disappointed. And, if you don't want or need anything, you can avoid abusive reactions to your needs.

If you were physically or sexually abused, you may have learned to "turn off" body pain or sensations. You may have gone "into a trance" when being beaten or sexually abused to protect yourself from the pain. These were survival skills that helped you stay safe. You may not need these skills anymore.

As abused children grow up, they may view themselves as bad, and everybody else as good, or, at least better. On the other hand, some abused children can see themselves as good, and others bad. They can become afraid of others and avoid them for fear of getting hurt. In its extreme form, these people can expect only pain and suffering from others, and see everyone as a potential attacker.

Some adults abused as children feel pressure to outperform everybody else. They believe that they must try harder and work harder because they are not as good. They may feel driven and obsessed.

Other adults abused as children do the opposite: they believe they can accomplish nothing, so they don't try. They hold themselves back from taking chances because it is safer. Since success often makes one more important and visible to others, and since visibility is associated with being hurt, success means danger.

Children who grow up being put down, held back, beaten, taken advantage of, ignored, and misused or maltreated, find it hard to trust, and expect little from others except pain. They protect themselves by staying isolated and may frequently feel that as long as they don't have to relate to anyone else, they will manage. Loneliness may become a way of life for these children. An abused child often plays alone, makes friends only with a pet, or creates a rich fantasy life.

There is a middle road in which you don't hold back or push forward too much. That's the road to be explored.