Quotes About Boundaries

targets of emotional blackmail may become guarded about certain subjects and stop sharing major parts of their lives,

Be a mirror, not a sponge.

Almost universally, non-BPs say they feel manipulated by the BPs in their lives. If the non-BP doesn't do what the BP wants them to do, the BP may threaten

didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. get off the BP's back. get out of the BP's way. get on with your own life.

When you set and observe personal limits, you are also benefiting the person in your life with BPD. In fact, when you let the BP violate your boundaries, or do not set any for him or her, you may be making the situation worse.

Don't counterattack. You may strike back at the person with BPD to try to win the argument or vent your feelings. But when you do this, you'll fall into the projection and projective identification trap that the person with BPD has unconsciously set for you.

Remember, your loved one's behavior is not about you. You may feel controlled or taken advantage of through threats, no-win situations, the silent treatment, rages, and other methods that seem unfair. But, no matter what the person with BPD may say, everything that's going on stems not from you, but from the disorder, and the deep pain your loved one feels inside.

Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook)

People with BPD need their friends and family members to be stable and clear—not to reject them and not to smother them. They need you to let them take care of themselves and to not do things for them that they can do for themselves. The best way to do this and help them is by working on yourself.

Memorize the three Cs and the three Gs: I didn't cause it. I can't control it. I can't cure it. get off their back. get out of the way. get on with your own life.

Do not disparage the BP—no matter how much you think he or she deserves it. Instead, sincerely express your concern for the BP or acknowledge your own confusion about why the BP would say such things. Be cautious about discussing BPD or any other psychological problem—people may misunderstand and think you are trying to belittle the BP.

The right to say 'no' strengthens emotional boundaries. So does the freedom to say 'yes,' respect for feelings, acceptance of differences, and permission for expression.

They wonder if they have a right to get angry when one of their limits is not observed. Many

It's useless to debate whether you "should" feel angry, because the fact is that you do. It's your job to tell Sue how you feel. It's Sue's job to tell you how she feels. You don't have to—nor should you—feel it necessary to convince Sue that your way of thinking is best. Instead, you simply need to protect yourself in the future now that you know Sue's attitude about tardiness.

Keeping in mind what not having limits is costing you, think about what you will do when (not if!) your family member plows right through your limits. Make the consequences proportional to the limit.

Separate your feelings from those of the person with BPD. Earlier in this book, we explained that people with BPD often use projection to try to get others to feel their feelings for them. You may need to keep checking yourself to determine whose feelings are whose. If you start to feel helpless or angry, is it because the other person is projecting his or her own helplessness or anger onto you?

Don't get drawn into the other person's extreme reactions; trust your instincts and form your own judgments.

Unfortunately, many adults grew up with damaged, trampled, or nonexistent boundaries. In many cases, parents routinely violated their children's boundaries and rights or forced them into inappropriate roles. Different kinds of boundary violations cause different kinds of problems for children when they become adults:

Allow people to be who they are instead of what you want them to be. Send healthy support messages like, "I'm here if you need me, but your choices—and the consequences—belong to you.

Every day, we teach people how to treat us by showing them what we will and won't accept, what we refuse to confront, and what we let slide. We may believe that we can make another person's troublesome behavior disappear if we don't make a fuss. But the message we send is, "It worked. Do it again.

Realizing you can't control what people choose to think: You can't make everyone happy—least of all someone who is projecting their own unhappiness onto you. Stop taking responsibility for your loved one's inner world and start taking responsibility for your own.

detach with love Some family members practice detaching with love, a concept promoted by Al-Anon,

Borderlines with abusive backgrounds may be replaying scripts from the past.

Politics is the art of preventing people from sticking their noses in things that are properly their business.